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We've come a long way, baby.
4 min read
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A holiday for two
13 min read
It's been over three months since my last entry so here... take an update!!!
It's late and I need to sleep but I figured I'd share a post from a couple of months ago when Michael flew to Australia for a couple of weeks! This is quite long, so brace yourself for an eyesore!
"I don't really know how to feel right now. Sitting now alone in the darkness of my room and reflecting on Michael's trip here. On one side I've been miserable - the moment he disappeared into customs I have felt hollow and consumed with emptiness. I had so quickly adapted to having him around and the idea that I won't even get to touch, kiss, smell or hold him again for another 5 months... already it feels like too much for me to take.
On the other hand I feel gloriously happy. Happy that the trip turned out so well. Not everything went according to plan, and though we worried often of money... it was really quite wonderful. I admit I was mildly worried about this trip despite also being very confident and excited to have it come about. Michael and I had been treading on rocks for over a year. We wondered for a long time whether we could ever figure things out, whether we were wasting our time on one another, whether all our fighting and bickering would amount to any positive outcome or understanding. The last few months I felt restored some of that lost faith in our relationship. Before these few months we had been sitting in a ditch for so long that it seemed I no longer knew what it meant to feel genuinely content. The last few months as well as this trip, helped mend what I have always known and felt behind my depression and confusion - that I love him to pieces, that he is irreplaceable to me, and that I never want to grow old without him. For the first time in a long time I suddenly felt blessed to know what it meant to love another, instead of cursing my own vulnerability.
It had been 5 1/2 months since I had last seen him. I was nervous with excitement and at the same time uncomfortable. This had been the longest period of physical separation since we had first met and I could really feel it. The idea of him standing in front of me, though as content as it made me feel, seemed strange. I kept expecting to see him online later in the day, not yet adjusting again to the thought of having him around and sharing my living space with him. I knew to expect to look for the same Michael I have always known and loved, complete with baggy shirts and his quirky and somehow endearing choice of boxer shorts. I on the other hand, had worked hard to remove all my previous holiday weight and then some, as well as growing out my dreadful perm, re-coloring my hair, and having half my chair chopped off. I wondered if he would notice me before I noticed him.
His plane arrived late and customs took forever. I stood in the arrivals area for almost 1.5hrs, trying to finish a book called SOLD while glancing up hopefully every time the sliding doors opened for a passenger to step out to meet the masses of waiting family and friends. Finally a familiar face departed customs and Michael made his way out into the crowded room to find me. I was happy to have noticed him first as he began searching in the opposite direction. He glanced back to see if he had missed me somehow and I walked towards him with a big smile. He turned away for a split moment then turned back when he realized the girl striding towards him was me. We exchanged hugs and kisses (I expected it to feel weird but I'll be corny - it felt like home) and headed over to pick up our car. He exclaimed with a big smile how different I looked and with admiring eyes said that I looked sexy and healthy. (Nothing two weeks of junk food gorging wouldn't destroy! haha) With all my weight loss obsessing I pouted and apologized for not being skinnier and that I'll do better next time. He frowned and said if I lost much more I would be nothing more than bones. All the same I felt glowing and happy to hear and see his approval.
We picked up our rental car for the trip and headed to the city to have lunch at one of our old favorite restaurants in Melbourne - a small, cheap japanese place in central city that serves DELICIOUS calamari. Afterwards we drove back to my house to drop Michael's things off. My family had been running around cleaning and vacuuming the night before, and I made sure to tell Mike of this with a cheeky grin as we carted his stuff through the household. He was unfortunately exhausted from his flight and invited me to crawl up with him for a quick nap before the dinner&movie with my parents. We cuddled up for awhile then headed off to catch I Am Legend at a gold class cinema. (I have been dying to introduce Michael to gold class - cosy recliner chairs and waitresses serving food while we lay back and enjoy a film... mmmm mmm mmm!) We got a little distracted here and there while trying to lean over our recliners to make out and Michael kept whispering his annoyance over our chairs being too far apart for cuddling. Meanwhile I was hoping mum (who was sitting on the other side of me) wasn't paying too much attention to us but thankfully she had passed out in her chair and was taking a snooze. haha
So if I continue talking about our trip in this detail I'll never finish writing, and you'll never finish reading. I'll try and compact this a little more.
We spent the first 4 days of his trip hanging out at my place. Which basically meant we spent hours cuddling in bed and only getting up to shower, eat and trying to fix my damn computer. On the Friday we headed into the city to stay a few nights at an apartment we had booked for ourselves. It was nice to get some personal space without family lurking around the house. Unfortunately while a lovely apartment, we were not at ALL happy with the servicing of our apartment. We arrived with no on-demand movies and no ability to use a dvd player or anything... in other words no in-room entertainment! there went our plan of house curling up in bed to a good movie. Our basin in the bathroom was clogged and one of the lights went out in the bathroom. Michael had to brush his teeth in the kitchen and we showered in darkness. Despite the managers word, NONE of the above was fixed by our departure. We had a good bitch to the staff when we went to sign out and ended up with a small discount for the troubles they caused us. Nonetheless guys, don't consider staying at Oaks On Collins under any circumstance!!! We were incredibly disappointed. We even ended up caving in and buying a portable dvd player so we could watch anime cartoons in bed.
After coming home from the short stay in the city, we canceled our previous plans to drive up to Buchan Caves in favor of 3 more days to ourselves. We instead went up to Phillip Island for the day and hand-fed *HUNGRY!!!* kangaroos and wallabies, watched koalas curling up in trees, took a long stroll along the beach, and watched the famous penguin march! It was a lovely day with so much to keep us on our toes.
Notably, mum had been surprisingly very hospitable during Michael's stay. She took us out for lunch and dinner, cooked food for us, watched movies with us, and even organized a dinner party for Mike's last night in Australia. I really am happy that she approves of our relationship and during the trip Mike and I sat down with her and discussed our plans for the near and upcoming future.
Michael also had the opportunity to hang out with some friends of mine, who I've been wanting to introduce him to for so long! Anton held a party at his place and although not *everyone* I wanted to see there went, there were still plenty of people to introduce him to. He fit in quite well although I'm sure he was a little shy. He did say later that he really enjoyed meeting my friends and that they were all really social and friendly. My friends are very much like Michael's friends so I knew that everything would be just fine. We both got drunk and chatted the hours away, but eventually opted to take a taxi back into the city and enjoy the comfort of our hotel bed as opposed to a spare mattress on my friend's floor.
Michael and I also hung out with one of my high school friends Sarah a couple of times. Mike and Sarah actually got along really well, and I got him to sit in the passenger seat next to her on the way home so they could chat more. haha It's a really good feeling to see people I care about click. I afterall have impeccable taste in friends!
Anyway, Michael left today for USA again and as lost I felt, I barely cried. I think because the last couple of weeks just felt like a dream, and now that I was getting use to him being around it felt like another dream watching him leave me. I felt empty but I didn't know what to do with those feelings. I bowed my head and shed a few tears, took a few moments to compose myself, and headed home, back home to my equally empty room. I curled up in bed for a few minutes, letting his fading aroma on my pillow fill me with sadness, then sat down to grind my loneliness away in WOW. It really was a lovely trip.
Something that surprised me while he was here was our ability to uhm, actually sleep ~together~. By this I mean that ever since we first shared a bed it was always really uncomfortable to cuddle up with we slept. We'd always end up on opposite sides of the bed and our attempts to fall asleep in each others arms failed because it always seemed so awkward and we just couldnt sleep together that way. Yet during this trip, despite the mild humidity in the air, we had no problems cuddling up together and falling asleep. We would wrap our arms around each other and he would drape a leg over mine as I nestled my head on his chest and faded off. It was beautiful and comforting to wake up every morning to someone holding me close, especially knowing we had never managed it in the past.
Our need for closeness reminded me a lot of our first trip together in Melbourne back in 2006. I remember needing a kitchen knife just to wedge us apart. We were literally inseparable for the first few days and even something as meaningless as going to the toilet started with 5 minutes of kisses and goodbyes. We were so completely lovesick, smitten and wrapped up in our own little world together. Appreciating every touch and moment we had in each other's presence. It was a beautiful place to be and I never imagined being able to feel that way about someone.
While obviously not that needy as before, it was pleasant to feel this need to cuddle up in Michael's arms. There's something so comforting in his touch that instantly puts me at ease and calms me. We more than made up our hugging and kissing quota! With a pout and outstretched arms I would be met with equal need to be held and so we could curl up for ages just enjoying these small things most couples seem to take for granted. With only 12 days to see each other, we knew full well we had to make the most of every moment we had together and I felt for the most part I remembered this and embraced and rejoiced in his presence. We also had no real arguments (just mild disagreements/frustration for a few minutes as we all do, followed by kisses and cuddles of course!) which I thought was really... great and groundbreaking for us. It's nice to watch these wounds healing, to see more patience being exuded towards one another. Of course I can get frustrated easily and be a sour puss for a few moments but Michael would just laugh, kiss my hand and tell me everything would be fine. I silently appreciated his comforting gestures and felt very lucky to have him putting up with my occasional moodiness. I would give anything right now to have him walk into my room and give me a shoulder to rest my head on.
Anyway, it's getting late and I must be off. I haven't gotten around to replying to everyone from my last update and messages yet so please bear with me... i do intend to reply and I love you all. I'm just worn out, feeling sulky and in need of cuddles. I hope your last fortnight has been as great as mine, and I will speak to you all soon.
"
As an update to the above, our relationship continues to be in a really happy place despite the outside dramas which continue to weaken our plans. We will do what we always do together: fight, whine, and eventually persevere. ^_^
And yes, our relationship is also continuing to grow stronger and I am so ecstatic to be with such a beautiful and wonderful person who makes my day shine that little bit brighter. I am indeed a very lucky girl, and I'm glad his presence and radiant self never lets me forget it.
More updates coming!
It's late and I need to sleep but I figured I'd share a post from a couple of months ago when Michael flew to Australia for a couple of weeks! This is quite long, so brace yourself for an eyesore!
"I don't really know how to feel right now. Sitting now alone in the darkness of my room and reflecting on Michael's trip here. On one side I've been miserable - the moment he disappeared into customs I have felt hollow and consumed with emptiness. I had so quickly adapted to having him around and the idea that I won't even get to touch, kiss, smell or hold him again for another 5 months... already it feels like too much for me to take.
On the other hand I feel gloriously happy. Happy that the trip turned out so well. Not everything went according to plan, and though we worried often of money... it was really quite wonderful. I admit I was mildly worried about this trip despite also being very confident and excited to have it come about. Michael and I had been treading on rocks for over a year. We wondered for a long time whether we could ever figure things out, whether we were wasting our time on one another, whether all our fighting and bickering would amount to any positive outcome or understanding. The last few months I felt restored some of that lost faith in our relationship. Before these few months we had been sitting in a ditch for so long that it seemed I no longer knew what it meant to feel genuinely content. The last few months as well as this trip, helped mend what I have always known and felt behind my depression and confusion - that I love him to pieces, that he is irreplaceable to me, and that I never want to grow old without him. For the first time in a long time I suddenly felt blessed to know what it meant to love another, instead of cursing my own vulnerability.
It had been 5 1/2 months since I had last seen him. I was nervous with excitement and at the same time uncomfortable. This had been the longest period of physical separation since we had first met and I could really feel it. The idea of him standing in front of me, though as content as it made me feel, seemed strange. I kept expecting to see him online later in the day, not yet adjusting again to the thought of having him around and sharing my living space with him. I knew to expect to look for the same Michael I have always known and loved, complete with baggy shirts and his quirky and somehow endearing choice of boxer shorts. I on the other hand, had worked hard to remove all my previous holiday weight and then some, as well as growing out my dreadful perm, re-coloring my hair, and having half my chair chopped off. I wondered if he would notice me before I noticed him.
His plane arrived late and customs took forever. I stood in the arrivals area for almost 1.5hrs, trying to finish a book called SOLD while glancing up hopefully every time the sliding doors opened for a passenger to step out to meet the masses of waiting family and friends. Finally a familiar face departed customs and Michael made his way out into the crowded room to find me. I was happy to have noticed him first as he began searching in the opposite direction. He glanced back to see if he had missed me somehow and I walked towards him with a big smile. He turned away for a split moment then turned back when he realized the girl striding towards him was me. We exchanged hugs and kisses (I expected it to feel weird but I'll be corny - it felt like home) and headed over to pick up our car. He exclaimed with a big smile how different I looked and with admiring eyes said that I looked sexy and healthy. (Nothing two weeks of junk food gorging wouldn't destroy! haha) With all my weight loss obsessing I pouted and apologized for not being skinnier and that I'll do better next time. He frowned and said if I lost much more I would be nothing more than bones. All the same I felt glowing and happy to hear and see his approval.
We picked up our rental car for the trip and headed to the city to have lunch at one of our old favorite restaurants in Melbourne - a small, cheap japanese place in central city that serves DELICIOUS calamari. Afterwards we drove back to my house to drop Michael's things off. My family had been running around cleaning and vacuuming the night before, and I made sure to tell Mike of this with a cheeky grin as we carted his stuff through the household. He was unfortunately exhausted from his flight and invited me to crawl up with him for a quick nap before the dinner&movie with my parents. We cuddled up for awhile then headed off to catch I Am Legend at a gold class cinema. (I have been dying to introduce Michael to gold class - cosy recliner chairs and waitresses serving food while we lay back and enjoy a film... mmmm mmm mmm!) We got a little distracted here and there while trying to lean over our recliners to make out and Michael kept whispering his annoyance over our chairs being too far apart for cuddling. Meanwhile I was hoping mum (who was sitting on the other side of me) wasn't paying too much attention to us but thankfully she had passed out in her chair and was taking a snooze. haha
So if I continue talking about our trip in this detail I'll never finish writing, and you'll never finish reading. I'll try and compact this a little more.
We spent the first 4 days of his trip hanging out at my place. Which basically meant we spent hours cuddling in bed and only getting up to shower, eat and trying to fix my damn computer. On the Friday we headed into the city to stay a few nights at an apartment we had booked for ourselves. It was nice to get some personal space without family lurking around the house. Unfortunately while a lovely apartment, we were not at ALL happy with the servicing of our apartment. We arrived with no on-demand movies and no ability to use a dvd player or anything... in other words no in-room entertainment! there went our plan of house curling up in bed to a good movie. Our basin in the bathroom was clogged and one of the lights went out in the bathroom. Michael had to brush his teeth in the kitchen and we showered in darkness. Despite the managers word, NONE of the above was fixed by our departure. We had a good bitch to the staff when we went to sign out and ended up with a small discount for the troubles they caused us. Nonetheless guys, don't consider staying at Oaks On Collins under any circumstance!!! We were incredibly disappointed. We even ended up caving in and buying a portable dvd player so we could watch anime cartoons in bed.
After coming home from the short stay in the city, we canceled our previous plans to drive up to Buchan Caves in favor of 3 more days to ourselves. We instead went up to Phillip Island for the day and hand-fed *HUNGRY!!!* kangaroos and wallabies, watched koalas curling up in trees, took a long stroll along the beach, and watched the famous penguin march! It was a lovely day with so much to keep us on our toes.
Notably, mum had been surprisingly very hospitable during Michael's stay. She took us out for lunch and dinner, cooked food for us, watched movies with us, and even organized a dinner party for Mike's last night in Australia. I really am happy that she approves of our relationship and during the trip Mike and I sat down with her and discussed our plans for the near and upcoming future.
Michael also had the opportunity to hang out with some friends of mine, who I've been wanting to introduce him to for so long! Anton held a party at his place and although not *everyone* I wanted to see there went, there were still plenty of people to introduce him to. He fit in quite well although I'm sure he was a little shy. He did say later that he really enjoyed meeting my friends and that they were all really social and friendly. My friends are very much like Michael's friends so I knew that everything would be just fine. We both got drunk and chatted the hours away, but eventually opted to take a taxi back into the city and enjoy the comfort of our hotel bed as opposed to a spare mattress on my friend's floor.
Michael and I also hung out with one of my high school friends Sarah a couple of times. Mike and Sarah actually got along really well, and I got him to sit in the passenger seat next to her on the way home so they could chat more. haha It's a really good feeling to see people I care about click. I afterall have impeccable taste in friends!
Anyway, Michael left today for USA again and as lost I felt, I barely cried. I think because the last couple of weeks just felt like a dream, and now that I was getting use to him being around it felt like another dream watching him leave me. I felt empty but I didn't know what to do with those feelings. I bowed my head and shed a few tears, took a few moments to compose myself, and headed home, back home to my equally empty room. I curled up in bed for a few minutes, letting his fading aroma on my pillow fill me with sadness, then sat down to grind my loneliness away in WOW. It really was a lovely trip.
Something that surprised me while he was here was our ability to uhm, actually sleep ~together~. By this I mean that ever since we first shared a bed it was always really uncomfortable to cuddle up with we slept. We'd always end up on opposite sides of the bed and our attempts to fall asleep in each others arms failed because it always seemed so awkward and we just couldnt sleep together that way. Yet during this trip, despite the mild humidity in the air, we had no problems cuddling up together and falling asleep. We would wrap our arms around each other and he would drape a leg over mine as I nestled my head on his chest and faded off. It was beautiful and comforting to wake up every morning to someone holding me close, especially knowing we had never managed it in the past.
Our need for closeness reminded me a lot of our first trip together in Melbourne back in 2006. I remember needing a kitchen knife just to wedge us apart. We were literally inseparable for the first few days and even something as meaningless as going to the toilet started with 5 minutes of kisses and goodbyes. We were so completely lovesick, smitten and wrapped up in our own little world together. Appreciating every touch and moment we had in each other's presence. It was a beautiful place to be and I never imagined being able to feel that way about someone.
While obviously not that needy as before, it was pleasant to feel this need to cuddle up in Michael's arms. There's something so comforting in his touch that instantly puts me at ease and calms me. We more than made up our hugging and kissing quota! With a pout and outstretched arms I would be met with equal need to be held and so we could curl up for ages just enjoying these small things most couples seem to take for granted. With only 12 days to see each other, we knew full well we had to make the most of every moment we had together and I felt for the most part I remembered this and embraced and rejoiced in his presence. We also had no real arguments (just mild disagreements/frustration for a few minutes as we all do, followed by kisses and cuddles of course!) which I thought was really... great and groundbreaking for us. It's nice to watch these wounds healing, to see more patience being exuded towards one another. Of course I can get frustrated easily and be a sour puss for a few moments but Michael would just laugh, kiss my hand and tell me everything would be fine. I silently appreciated his comforting gestures and felt very lucky to have him putting up with my occasional moodiness. I would give anything right now to have him walk into my room and give me a shoulder to rest my head on.
Anyway, it's getting late and I must be off. I haven't gotten around to replying to everyone from my last update and messages yet so please bear with me... i do intend to reply and I love you all. I'm just worn out, feeling sulky and in need of cuddles. I hope your last fortnight has been as great as mine, and I will speak to you all soon.
"As an update to the above, our relationship continues to be in a really happy place despite the outside dramas which continue to weaken our plans. We will do what we always do together: fight, whine, and eventually persevere. ^_^
And yes, our relationship is also continuing to grow stronger and I am so ecstatic to be with such a beautiful and wonderful person who makes my day shine that little bit brighter. I am indeed a very lucky girl, and I'm glad his presence and radiant self never lets me forget it.
More updates coming!
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A few words before we part.
4 min read
For this upcoming year...
I have a determination to make more of myself and to become more independant so that I can stand on my two feet alone. I have always played a victim but I think it's about time to train myself into a survivor. I'm sick of living my life letting other people's problems weigh me down and pull me to their level.
I've literally spent my entire life dealing with someone elses lies and filth and for once I would like to feel like I have something pure in my life. Something solid and strong. I feel that perhaps I deserve at least that, if nothing else. I have been bitter and angry for too long, and I need to set myself a better environment in which I can truly grow.
For this upcoming year...
I want to work harder along my path to self acceptance. I know my goal to recover entirely from bulimia is unrealistic for the next year, but to at least see noticeable progress and a better step in the right direction would be more than sufficient. I need to feel confidence in myself. I need to feel like I don't need this. It's been 7 years as an off and on struggle and I've spent the last half year recovering from it's two most predominant years in my life. The problem is I can't imagine life without it having a hold on me. It will sound weird but it has only been 2 months since I *genuinely* starting feeling like this was a problem - something that wasn't worth joking about or laughing off anymore. I don't feel free. I don't have anywhere near as much control as I once thought. And I honestly fear for myself some days. Having customers literally not recognize me while I'm serving them, should not be embraced. Having customers tell me they genuinely worry about me should not be taken in a good way. They don't need to know my baggage to see a problem. Being seen overweight one day and seeing me 40lbs lighter with jutting collarbones the next is not normal. I'm delusional to think my secrets are safe with me.
For this upcoming year...
I want to learn to forgive others for the wrong they have done to me. That's a really tough one. I wear my grudges and emotional scars on my sleeve more than anyone I know. I also seem to fish for trouble, because literally everyone I have gotten close to has burned me and abused my trust until I crumbled. Only after I'm walking out the door do they think to truly feel sorry for the way they treat me. The crazy thing is that I've LET this happen to me. I LET people who are supposed to care about me, toy me like a piece of shit. I constantly wonder why I should even bother trying to trust anyone. I want to be emotionally detached. Even asexual. Not realistic wants, and not something I should be holding onto. I need to start letting go of some of these memories, and also continue the healing and re-building of trust process between people who still reside in my life today. I want to accept that people are going to make mistakes and at the same time have the independence and self-awareness to truly understand that and not let it affect how I feel about my life and about myself. There is no way I should expect healthy people in my life when I'm nowhere near healthy myself. There is no way in hell I'm going to grow as a person until I fully grasp this concept.
For this upcoming year...
I want progress, confidence, forgiveness, and the ability to trust again.
I want to live, love, laugh, and learn.
Fingers crossed that I have a better year than my last 21.
Merry Xmas beautiful souls.
-Annabelle
PS: Just to clarify, the last couple of months have been by far the best in the last year and a half. I have a lot to be thankful for, and a lot to look forward to.
I have a determination to make more of myself and to become more independant so that I can stand on my two feet alone. I have always played a victim but I think it's about time to train myself into a survivor. I'm sick of living my life letting other people's problems weigh me down and pull me to their level.
I've literally spent my entire life dealing with someone elses lies and filth and for once I would like to feel like I have something pure in my life. Something solid and strong. I feel that perhaps I deserve at least that, if nothing else. I have been bitter and angry for too long, and I need to set myself a better environment in which I can truly grow.
For this upcoming year...
I want to work harder along my path to self acceptance. I know my goal to recover entirely from bulimia is unrealistic for the next year, but to at least see noticeable progress and a better step in the right direction would be more than sufficient. I need to feel confidence in myself. I need to feel like I don't need this. It's been 7 years as an off and on struggle and I've spent the last half year recovering from it's two most predominant years in my life. The problem is I can't imagine life without it having a hold on me. It will sound weird but it has only been 2 months since I *genuinely* starting feeling like this was a problem - something that wasn't worth joking about or laughing off anymore. I don't feel free. I don't have anywhere near as much control as I once thought. And I honestly fear for myself some days. Having customers literally not recognize me while I'm serving them, should not be embraced. Having customers tell me they genuinely worry about me should not be taken in a good way. They don't need to know my baggage to see a problem. Being seen overweight one day and seeing me 40lbs lighter with jutting collarbones the next is not normal. I'm delusional to think my secrets are safe with me.
For this upcoming year...
I want to learn to forgive others for the wrong they have done to me. That's a really tough one. I wear my grudges and emotional scars on my sleeve more than anyone I know. I also seem to fish for trouble, because literally everyone I have gotten close to has burned me and abused my trust until I crumbled. Only after I'm walking out the door do they think to truly feel sorry for the way they treat me. The crazy thing is that I've LET this happen to me. I LET people who are supposed to care about me, toy me like a piece of shit. I constantly wonder why I should even bother trying to trust anyone. I want to be emotionally detached. Even asexual. Not realistic wants, and not something I should be holding onto. I need to start letting go of some of these memories, and also continue the healing and re-building of trust process between people who still reside in my life today. I want to accept that people are going to make mistakes and at the same time have the independence and self-awareness to truly understand that and not let it affect how I feel about my life and about myself. There is no way I should expect healthy people in my life when I'm nowhere near healthy myself. There is no way in hell I'm going to grow as a person until I fully grasp this concept.
For this upcoming year...
I want progress, confidence, forgiveness, and the ability to trust again.
I want to live, love, laugh, and learn.
Fingers crossed that I have a better year than my last 21.
Merry Xmas beautiful souls.
-Annabelle
PS: Just to clarify, the last couple of months have been by far the best in the last year and a half. I have a lot to be thankful for, and a lot to look forward to.
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As above is so below
3 min read
She writes of suicide and self-hatred across the page.
Her words are of despair and blame.
School garments are tossed into the corner carelessly.
A lone figure curls into bed and dreams wistfully of one's demise.
Music shares with her everything she feels.
She reaches out in desperation to help one back onto their toes.
Their pants are wrapped around the ankles, feces splatter the floor.
She stares into the face of humiliation and regret that need not be.
She lets her hand slip as the ambulance move forward to do their duty.
Later, powerless and vulnerable, they both shed a silent tear.
She paces the hallway, impatient murmurs and eyes wide open.
Holding her hair back, she leans across the bowl.
Reality no longer in mind, determined fingers scraping the throat.
A relieved shadow washes her hands and dries the tears.
There is pride, shame, and hope in this control.
She stares blankly into soapy water while rinsing a dish.
A call comes from behind and she turns to meet one's gaze.
Her eyes meet the sight of one losing consciousness in the doorway.
There's the sound of a nose snapping and a body collapsing to the floor.
There's the struggle to breathe as the carpet slowly pools with blood.
A vision twists and turns while innocence tears itself through.
She grasps at her hair frantically while dragged across gravel.
The hold is strong, violent and threatening in response to her wails.
Bruises quickly fade, while her obedient silence remains.
She lays on her bed and watches a flame burn across her skin.
It moves towards her face menacingly and she buries herself away.
She falls asleep in fear and without further complaint.
She sits alone, bleeding behind a locked bathroom door.
The house speaks of silence, of helplessness and of a life impaired.
What is she to live for in a world filled with emptiness and failure?
Red drips from her arms as the shaking and sobs commence.
A knife slowly slips from her grasp and descends to the floor.
The soft melody from her speakers compel her into a tortured rest.
She places her hands over ears, unsuccessfully drowning out chaos.
Screams fill the air, soon accommodated by crashing and physical blows.
Her presence fails to stop this ongoing war, her cries proved meaningless.
A calm follows the storm, but the damage has been done.
There are apologies and promises uttered that will continue to be broken.
She sits alone contemplating all but many of what she has seen.
The melodies continue to soothe and sympathize with her frame of mind.
A glass remains before her, sitting half empty and therefore incomplete.
Visions and memories continue to haunt her dreams and daily life.
Promises continue to be broken, tears continue to stream.
In a world filled with emptiness and failure, what much has since changed?
Her words are of despair and blame.
School garments are tossed into the corner carelessly.
A lone figure curls into bed and dreams wistfully of one's demise.
Music shares with her everything she feels.
She reaches out in desperation to help one back onto their toes.
Their pants are wrapped around the ankles, feces splatter the floor.
She stares into the face of humiliation and regret that need not be.
She lets her hand slip as the ambulance move forward to do their duty.
Later, powerless and vulnerable, they both shed a silent tear.
She paces the hallway, impatient murmurs and eyes wide open.
Holding her hair back, she leans across the bowl.
Reality no longer in mind, determined fingers scraping the throat.
A relieved shadow washes her hands and dries the tears.
There is pride, shame, and hope in this control.
She stares blankly into soapy water while rinsing a dish.
A call comes from behind and she turns to meet one's gaze.
Her eyes meet the sight of one losing consciousness in the doorway.
There's the sound of a nose snapping and a body collapsing to the floor.
There's the struggle to breathe as the carpet slowly pools with blood.
A vision twists and turns while innocence tears itself through.
She grasps at her hair frantically while dragged across gravel.
The hold is strong, violent and threatening in response to her wails.
Bruises quickly fade, while her obedient silence remains.
She lays on her bed and watches a flame burn across her skin.
It moves towards her face menacingly and she buries herself away.
She falls asleep in fear and without further complaint.
She sits alone, bleeding behind a locked bathroom door.
The house speaks of silence, of helplessness and of a life impaired.
What is she to live for in a world filled with emptiness and failure?
Red drips from her arms as the shaking and sobs commence.
A knife slowly slips from her grasp and descends to the floor.
The soft melody from her speakers compel her into a tortured rest.
She places her hands over ears, unsuccessfully drowning out chaos.
Screams fill the air, soon accommodated by crashing and physical blows.
Her presence fails to stop this ongoing war, her cries proved meaningless.
A calm follows the storm, but the damage has been done.
There are apologies and promises uttered that will continue to be broken.
She sits alone contemplating all but many of what she has seen.
The melodies continue to soothe and sympathize with her frame of mind.
A glass remains before her, sitting half empty and therefore incomplete.
Visions and memories continue to haunt her dreams and daily life.
Promises continue to be broken, tears continue to stream.
In a world filled with emptiness and failure, what much has since changed?
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Living And Breathing.
2 min read
I arrived home to Australia early last month. Right back to work and losing all this discusting weight I have been piling on. I've lost almost 30 pounds and counting. I'm really pleased and quite happy to be able to fit back into at least SOME of my clothes. Will people start treating me as somewhat normal as opposed to a piece of wobbling lard? Time can only tell.
Before I left for USA, I indulged myself in many hair highlights and a perm. Since then, my hair has been a battle to maintain. Sure, for the first couple of weeks I kinda liked it. However my hair became as dry as the desert, impossible to brush, and some of my highlights turned to platinum blonde. I finally decided to fix this mess and visit a hairdresser in time for Harry's 22nd Pirates and Ninja birthday party. I ended up having to have between 8-10 inches cut off as a result of all the damage played out on it. So here I sit sporting shorter, layered hair and my natural hair color. What do I think of it now? Yeah, I can brush my hair. That's always nice. Picture so you know what the hell I'm yapping about: NewHair
It was also Michael and my 2 year anniversary last week. We actually didn't do anything special... rather, we had a long, serious conversation and made lots of resolutions to the changes we needed to make.
Otherwise things have been okay. Just okay. Not great. But I'm sitting here, living and breathing and that's all I can really ask for, right?
Hope you're all doing well in the world.
-Belle
Before I left for USA, I indulged myself in many hair highlights and a perm. Since then, my hair has been a battle to maintain. Sure, for the first couple of weeks I kinda liked it. However my hair became as dry as the desert, impossible to brush, and some of my highlights turned to platinum blonde. I finally decided to fix this mess and visit a hairdresser in time for Harry's 22nd Pirates and Ninja birthday party. I ended up having to have between 8-10 inches cut off as a result of all the damage played out on it. So here I sit sporting shorter, layered hair and my natural hair color. What do I think of it now? Yeah, I can brush my hair. That's always nice. Picture so you know what the hell I'm yapping about: NewHair
It was also Michael and my 2 year anniversary last week. We actually didn't do anything special... rather, we had a long, serious conversation and made lots of resolutions to the changes we needed to make.
Otherwise things have been okay. Just okay. Not great. But I'm sitting here, living and breathing and that's all I can really ask for, right?
Hope you're all doing well in the world.
-Belle
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